TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS N LUV W A VAMPIR Commented
by FallenHero93
Summary: Here's FallenHero93's commentary on yet another bad fanfic. Not as fun as our dear My Immortal, but still worth a laugh. Have fun reading it!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! Since I love doing commentaries on badfics, I now took on this one. Let's see how much of a challenge is it. But it can't be as good as good ol' My Immortal.**

**Also, I hate Twilight so if you're a fan, don't read it. I really don't want to go on a commentary war about how good or bad it is. Also, I read the first book and half of the second one (for the rest I read detailed summaries), so I know what it's about.  
**

**And also, this fic is NOT mine.  
**

Hi my name is **(FallenHero93 and I'm introducing this crappy fanfic to you) **Twila Beatiful Psyco **(kinda sounds like her, you'll see why) **Topaz (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet) **(ah, Edward fangirls...) **n i live in waschington **(What, George Washington? Sorry, lame pun) **wif my sister Midnite. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els **(Hmm...I actually like that) **n we r vampires. **(Okay, stopped liking. I neither believe in nor like the idea of vampires.) **we feest on blood n no1 else noes **(oh noes) **dat we are vampirs. not evn are mom **(Whoa. What careless parents) **wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. **(And everyone just...allowed you to pack and leave, even though you're probably minors?)** yes we r LONERS. **(Would've never guessed)**

i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott, **(I don't. Also, Mary Sue) **i hav strait **(Reminds me of the band Dire Straits)** blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez. **(Kinda cool but unfortunately not possible in real life) **i wear lots of blak makup **(Enoby dear, is that you?)** on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes, (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, **(Don't fuck me, darling, I'm not a lesbian)** edword has dem too and steraphie myers **(Bwahaha...Steraphie Myers? Like "seraphim", the angels with 6 wings. But you know what, I don't like her so you can keep misspelling her name) **sed hes realli hot ok.) **(I think Edward is creepy, not hot, but whatever.) **i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n looo**ooo**k it up) that menz i hate other ppl accept midnite. **(and Edward. Oh, sorry, you haven't met him yet. My bad)**

one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS **(Yeah, go shout his name) **he haz realli white skin lyk me. he is satan's gift to dis planet **(oh boy =)) )** (a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe **(Well, being an atheist means you don't believe there is a being that created this universe (be it God or Satan or whatever), so you kinda fail here) **god bles u satan **(*facepalm*) **u r alwayz in mi heart.) **("You are always on my mind", sing the Pet Shop Boys) **so anywey i met him i nda skewl **(See, kids? Going to school is good for you, you might get to meet sexi vampores!) **n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann. **(Yeah, go ahead, it's not like you hate her because in the series she's Eddie's love interest *cough*) **she waz soo stupid **(Considering she fell for Edward...) **n she kept fallin out of her seat. edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, **(not like your dear mom)** i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine.

"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. **(Manipulating Eddie like a puppeteer, are we?) **dere were some gay ass **(Stop offending gays!) **ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes **(Haha, I imagine Edward giving them a creepy stare like "boo!") **n they iran away. i realy hat cliks **(Yeah, I hate clicks too, especially when my mouse barely works) **n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, **(You think you're cool too, so what's the difference?) **i giv dem the middle finger **(You gave them the finger? How, dear, did you cut it and send it via mail?) **in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite

neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob. **(Bella&Jacob fans, rejoice!) **ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. **(Ooobviously)** he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose wnated 2 meet me. n his sisters alice, rosmarie, **(Rosalie)** jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2. **(OMG there's a lonely hateful misanthropic vampire in the town. We must like totally meet her!)**

so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way. **(You don't even know the characters right, that should be Emmett. I don't even like Twilight but I know who they are! Whatever, who am I arguing with?)**

when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty **(...)**

"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" **(Pedo Carlisle...pardon me, Carlose spotted!) **he teasd me seductevly. ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 **(Gang bang amateurs?) **besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married.

"Yea thats me lol" i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite) **(Why don't you give him a Roman handshake? That was also polite in ancient Rome) **"nice to met you i said.

"So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house **(*giggles at the spelling* Give her the keys to Edward's room and she will) **n we can talk about it."

I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends. **(Instant friends - just add vampirism!)**

XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD **(...lol nope)**


	2. Chapter 2

FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. **(Get a fire extinguisher, dear, flames don't back off by themselves) **mi engish is fine **(And Rebecca Black is a fine singer. Yep, totally)** u dnt hav to b a bytch about it **(You don't have to be one either, because whoever flamed was right) **u fukkin homos. if u lik bella i sed not 2 red **(I don't like her, but other stuff offends me in this fanfic) **cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book a lot of tims **(I bet you did) **i fink i no der names. **(How ironic, I think you don't.)**

and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE. **(The spelling reminds me of "gelato", the Italian word for ice-cream.) **OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER **(This made me think Tara wrote this story as well. From what I saw on her profile, she likes Twilight too)**

OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2. **(Great...)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **(This thing looks like a zipper)**

Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered **(Yay) **and den appered **(Ah, I see. Teleporting) **at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that.) **(Obviously, vampires can do anything) **he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans. **(The Romans are in this? Whoa) **i started 2 sing in my beatifull **(and Mary Sue-ish) **voice "Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?" every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me. OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths. **(As I was listening to some music on Youtube, I saw a comment like this: "This voice causes teen pregnancy". I'm guessing something similar happens in here)**

"WOT R U DOING?" i creamed. deir eyes were red **(From what I know, in the Twilight Saga their eyes are always red) **n they had all turned in2 savagez. **(mwahaha!) **den they stoppd and confused.

"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts. it wnt hapen agen" **(It will, rest assured) **puting bak on mi clothe. **(Really? Come on, he wasted the chance to...? Beginner.)**

"Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod.

"it must be ur blood" sed carlose in horrofied. "Beauty, u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world **(Being an "extreme" is not necessarily appealing. The rafflesia flower is the largest in the world and it's also exotic, but it stinks like hell)**, evry vampir wil want to drink it. itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?" **(Yeah, go throw Bella in a deep dark corner so all the attention gets focused on you)**

"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling. Midnite hugged him so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger **(Anger paroxysm!) **cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk.

"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me" **(Oh boy, here it goes) **sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian. **(Haha, epic! A plebian! =)) ) **edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed!

"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt. **(Right, if everyone died, there wouldn't be anyone left to worship you)** eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels **(Uh, doesn't that look like the werewolves?) **. his topazz eyez turnd pure blak **(I remember I was wrong in the previous chapter. Only the eyes of bad vampires are red in Twilight. Eddie-boy's eyes are amber)** with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice

"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her. **(Try saying this phrase without pausing. Funny as hell) **He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me.

"Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized "Guess wat srry im not a lebian ." alice started 2 cry tearz of blood. **(Ah, Tara Gilesbie, what have you done to the fanfiction world?) **"Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios

"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time. **(Pfft, he missed the whole action)** "wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims, shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN" **(OMFG NOOO)**

Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me **(*cough*marysue*cough*) **n her throat flew open. n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it. **(Whoa, so much gore. Also, how can you eat blood? Isn't blood supposed to be drunk?)**

"Ohh mi satan" i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. **(You didn't look so sad when they jumped on each other before) **edward jus laughed "its ok babe" he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! (He had turned back from blak ed to white ed **(Ed, Edd & Eddy!) **(a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET) n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life." **(Sooo, the whole blood loss paragraph was pretty useless)**

so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king 4 diner bcuz i had 2 hurry **(If you seem to know so much stuff about vampires, how come you don't know they don't need to eat normal food? Come on, don't tell me I read Twilight with more attention than you)**. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my. his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen. **(*sigh*)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTA **(END OF TORTURE)**


	3. Chapter 3

**(CAPS RAGE ON)** OK PPL HU REVIEW 2 SAY SHIT ABOUT MI STORI CAN GO FUKK DEMSELFS **.(Caps rage off. Also, can I go now? Ah, too bad I love commenting on this story)** my stori is beleiveble **(Like Baron von Munchhausen's stories)** u just hav 2 keep readin n u can c y! **( lol) **1 but to ppl hu gav me good reveiws, **(...I have a really low opinion of you) **THANX U GUYZ ROKK 333 **(Uh, is that like half of your beloved number 666?)** LUV U

CHAPTER 3

"Hey betch wat r u doin home." midnite asked. **(Nice greeting for a sister)**

"u hav 2 promise not 2 say nething..." **(Double negation...fail) **i sed nervly n midnite laffed n sed "hu wuld i say somthing 2, we r loners remeber?"

"o yea" i sed and told her evrythin dat hapened. **(That was pretty easy, wasn't it?) **she gosped wen i told her abot edword kissing me. "SO WATE" she scremed "R U GUYZ IN LUV NOW OR WHUT?" **(Nah, she's just lusting over him because he's so sexah)**

"ya were goin 2 homecuming 2getha." i showd her my blakk **(So black that it needs an extra k at the end to enforce the blackness!)** dress wif lace n leather n my spiky black shoez. "edword sed he liks dese." we laffed happy 2gether n danced arond da house. we were so happi **(You? Happy? Well, that's surprising news) **4 me. i sang tenagerz by mcr. den. ... DA DOOR NOCKED! **(By itself?)**

"TWIL WERE R U. sum1 asked frum outside. i went 2 da door n it was alison. i scremed. IF U FUKKING TRI 2 SUKK MI BLOOD AGEN ILL GET ED **(Well, she'd drink your blood in an instant, so you wouldn't have any time to call your dear Eddie)** i told her. she bast in2 tearz. midnite quikly jumoed up 2 defend me **(If Alison/Alice/whatever had had any murderous intentions, she'd attacked you straight away, not burst into tears) **but i told her to go awey bcuz i culd handle alis. **(With or without Ed? *cough*)**

"ok y did u cum here." i sed. alisenz blody tears dint scare me. i new she had enuf blood 2 last cuz of wen she attaked alison. **(Attacked whom? Alice attacking herself? Self...uh...cannibalism?) **"i felt sooo bad 4 tring to drink ur blood" she histericly cry. **(*sobs*)** "i wnted 2 alopogize wif a present."

"All i wnat in dis world is edword, n i hav him so noting u can giv me matterz." **(Aaand nothing else matters!)** i shucffed **(Sh-what? Shuffled? Everyday I'm shuffling) **at her. But den ... she held up 2 TIKKETS 2 A MCR CONSERT! **(WHOA. So badass. I want HIM or Depeche Mode tickets too...*sobs again*)**

"OMFGGGGG!111" i was static. **(I'm dynamic, thank you)** i grabed dem from her n gave 1 2 midnite. "actully" alison wimpered "1 was suposed 2 be 4 me. so we cold go 2getha" **(Nothing as MCR concert tickets to make peace with someone who almost killed you. It's the new peace pipe, really)**

"But i wanted 2 go wif ed" i shoted. i imagned his beutiful face wif his blakk eyliner n blakk lipstik **(Why don't you sink him in a pool of tar? That way, his whole face will be black)**. n his smexi **(This adjectives makes me laugh. But nowhere near as much as "shmexy") **bodi. OK alison sed. "we can jus tak mi hole family. esmet realli luvs mcr 2" **(...so we could drag everyone along. Also, "Esmet"? Like a combination of Esme and Emmett? Wait a second, Renesmee is a portmanteau of Renee and Esme, so maybe in this case...Oh God why?)**

so we went to da consert n ed n i had innercoarse **(...well, at least it's not "put-his-thingie-in-my-you-know-what". For the uninnitiated ones, this is a My Immortal (the fanfic) reference.) **on da way. evry1 tought we wer so cute. **(Pfft, I think you're creepy)**

"THIS NITE WALK DA DEAD" scremed gerad way. **(Oh, Gerard Way, we meet again...) **den... EVENIEZENCE **(Great fan, can't even spell the name of one of her favourite bands properly) **KAME ON! dey sand a duet wif mcr. den dey sang sum more stuff. **(I love this. Just "some stuff". I wonder how many MCR or Evanescence songs she knows by name.)**

emet had an ejaxclamation **(haha, so close to another word...*cough* Such a bad mental image?) **in da audience n sudenly HE TURNED IN2 A BAT. **(nananana, Batman!) **"OH SHITTTTT NOOOO" EDWard sighed. "dis is bad too twola, dis is realli bad." **(I must like it then. Let's see)** all dis bad stuf kept hapening wile i was wif dem. vampirs turn int2 batz wen dey r realli exited n evry1 wuld no his secret **(Kinda like the sparkling thing in the real Twilight? Hmm. Interesting) **but no1 cared cuz dey wer all gothz. **(So why is it so bad, then? There must be other reasons, definitely, not that you're a poor author and can barely remember what she wrote 2 sentences before)** gerad lookd at him from da stage n he jumpd down thru da crowd n came over 2 us. **(You wish, babe. You wish)**

"He bat. " he sed in his fukking killer voce. **(I heard Gerard Way and don't think his voice is that great. Ville Valo's voice, however...Oh, sorry, small fangirling moment. Forget them, let's get back to commenting)** i CREAMED so loud bcuz i luvvv gerad wif all my lyfe. **(Wasn't that guy Edward? Remember the "all I need is Edword" speech? Meh, I know you don't.) **his makueup waz runing **(Running? Go catch it before it's out the door) **bcuz he waz cring cuz dey sang helen (a/n dat song is abot his grandpa hu dyed **(Didn't know Mr. Way had a grandpa who dyed clothes.) **RIP GERARDS GRANPA ) but he glarced at emset n tuched his wings n he turned bak.

gerad went home wif da cullenz bcuz he nd emet becam bfs. **(Love at first sight. Sooo romantic)** cuz dey fell in luv. i was sooo jealous but ed got angy n i told him i luv him so it waz ok. **(Note this down, girls. Tell your boyfriend lovey-dovey stuff and everything is fine again) **WE ALL WENT HOM N I GOT GERARDS AUTOGRAF. **(How much self-fulfillment in this fanfic...)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE **(I really think those Xs look like a zipper)**

PLZ GUYZ GIV ME MOR REVEIWS I FINK DIS WAZ A REALLI GUD CHAPTER **(I wonder how many reveiws she got for this before it was deleted. Well, it probably wasn't over 9000, but anyways...)**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Thanks a lot for the good revie...Oh wait, I now sound like the one who wrote this. Nevermind that, let's get to the story.**

OK PPL I AM NOT A TROL! **(Obviously, you're a "troll" not a "trol")** I AM A VAMPIR **(Mhm, totally) **OK GET IT STRAIT

THANX FOR DA PPL HU GAVE ME GUD REVEIWS **(Aka your alternate identities or delusional people) **U GUIZ ROKK

CHAPTER 4

I was walking down da halway in skewl wen i saw Ed wif... bella!

she waz askin him sumfing n cring all over da place. **(How dare she!) **"Wat is goin on" i snared n edword hugged me **(ooh, going all lovey-dovey, are we?) **n sed "Its ok i waz tring 2 ignore her butt **(but I went for her boobs instead) **she wnt go away."

"Plz plz edmard" she cryed. "I realli want 2 go to homecumin wid u. i go evry year wif no date **(*mwahaha*) **n now im in luv wif u nd i want u to b mi date."

STFU edward sed. **(Yeah, you tell her, Eddie!)**

"Cant u see dat i alredi hav a date. Dis is my gf TWILA." **(You might also want to increase the font size, underline and italicise it, otherwise da bytch bella will not get the full idea)**

"Yea u better bakk off." i told her. "odderwize thingz mite get messi." **(Or Ronaldinho)**

She ran away screming. **("Scream, baby, scream" - That's one really good Romanian song, "Scream" by N-Eatgroove & Rocca)**

"So hav u cn Esmet?' i assed him. "He waznt in homroom 2dai" "Yea ummm Tqila, **(Tila Tequila)** he transforrmed out of da skewl so he culd go on tourz wif Gerad." **(because he's so sexah and everything and school is shit)**

"But hes a vampir1" i was socked **(Someone turned you into a sock? Come on, let's give him/her an award of awesomeness)** at dis. "Yea but ur a vampiir 2." **(I'm a vampire 3!)** ed sed. "o yea." **("Oh yeah, I just remembered, lol") **i sed. (a/n I DINT FORGET I WAZ WATING 4 DA RITE TIME TO BRING IT UP AGEN.) **(Thanks for reminding us of your Mary Su- I mean, vampirical traits "agen")**

so we both turned in2 batz n flew 2 class (no1 noticed). **(Obviously)**

When skewl ended i went in2 my car and drove hom. Wen I got der my sister was geting maried. **(trolololol)**

"OMSG **(Oh my...Satan God? Well I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to say that, as she kinda uses the notions together) **R U GETING MARIED 2 JAZER." **(Le Gasp! Quick, someone get Jasper, this girl is marrying an impostor!)**

"

i culd not beleve it. **(Hmpf, neither can I. How can crappy fanfics get so many reviews and mine so few?)**

'yea' she smeled. "I luv him n he iz goin 2 live wif us now."

I storted 2 cry becuz ed n i wernt maried yet. **(What a lame attitude) **Midnite trid to hug me but i shot her **(Whoa, we're moving on to ammo? So badass) **away, bcuz her lif waz so much betta dan mine. **(It's not like everyone loves you and you're so "beautiful"...I totally understand) **"Im alredi 16 n im not marred yet." **(Oh, oh dear...) **tears swam down mi beatiful face.

Suddenly... dey al shoted "SURPISEE!1" **(Reminds me of the joke with the Chinese who said "Supplies!") **Midnite n Jasper wernt getting married... IT WAZ 4 ME AND ED! **(*facepalm*) **(a/n dey got mared da next day insted). **("Bitch, I'll be the first one to marry!" - Sister love fail)**

"NO WAY **(geddit, like Gerard) **I was sooo inflated. **(hahaha! I imagine someone inflating her like a balloon)**

Edward and me had an atheest ceremoni in my hose. **(Uh, but a hose is not even an inch wide, how did you all get inside? Ah, I geddit, you're all vampires and have mighty powers)**

So we were huband and wives. **(Wives? Wait, what? Polygamy?) **Midnite, Jazper, Esmie, Emet, Gerad, Rose, were all dere... but so waz... ALLICE!

"I hope ur not mad dat me n ur brother r married." **(Ah, totally not) **i sed to her gothikally **(I still wonder how that is) **after da wedding. "I told u that i dunt lik u that way, im not lezz."

"Sigh" she knew.

So we all went 2 a party n had lots of blood. Then we went bak to mi house. Some1 rang the bell n i answered it, making out wif Edword. **(Just imagine them French kissing and striving to open the door)**

"Y DID U MARRI HIM YOU IGNORANIUS." **("Foolish ignoramuses!" - from My Immortal) **shoted da guy at da door.

It was Bibby Brown. **(Is that like...uh, Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston's former husband? Weeell, what on earth is he doing in this fanfic?)**

He ran in on his weelchaire n Jacob flowed him. **(Oh, I see. Wheelchair. She probably confused Billy from Twilight with Bobby Brown. Oh dear)**

"Dont u dare tuch Twia." snotted Ed. Every1 came 2 c what waz happening. "Why wold I toch her, shes hieneous" **(So there is a sane character in this fanfic! Finally!) **he glarred at me.

"THATS IT NOW I HAV 2 KILL U." boomed mi busband. He turned in2 a savage lik da time i went to his house. **(That kind of attitude is setting women back to how they were centuries before. It's a shame that so many still long after a protective lovey-dovey boyfriend who'll do everything for them)**

I told him 2 stop becuz i needed to talk to Bolly n Jakob. he stoped.

"Ok y dont u want us 2 be together y is our love so bad 4 u" i cried.

"Itz because... I CANT SAY IT." sed da guy in da wheelcher. **(Like those girls on Facebook who complain about something and then say "I don't wanna talk about it")**

"JUST SPIC IT OUT." every1 sed. he began to cry histerical. "Mebe dis song will help u undersand." **(Oh no, not again!)**

he started 2 sing in his crampy old voice

**"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you!"**

"WELL I MIS U. I MISS U SO FAR. N DA COMMISION OF UR KISS, DAT MADE IT SO HARD."

Well gerald was FORIOUS becuz dat was his song n he started 2 attak him bcuz of copiright refrigement. **(Is that copyright that's kept in a refrigerator? =)) I should keep in mind never to illegally download MCR songs, or else Gerard will come at my house and attack me)**

(a/n I DNT OWN THE LYRCS TO DA SONG EITHER). **(I just had a revelation. What if the real author is Gerard Way himself and he wrote this to advertise his band?)**

Ther was a big fite n i storted to cry "Oh no, ur in luv with me arnt u."

"

And Bobby Ran away from gerad n sed YES. **(Ahhhhh, I feel like facepalming. But I've done that already, so I'll headdesk instead. *headdesk*) **Edword killed him. **That was so random I burst into laughter =)) **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAOTER 4XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Phew, it's finally over. Let's see when I get to post the other "chapta".**


	5. Chapter 5

IF U R LEVING ME LONG AZZ REVEIWS **(How on earth can you submit an "ass review"?)** ON Y I RUNED UR LIFE DEN SORRI GET DA FUKK OVA IT. i am gong **(I sense a gong fetish, My Immortal-style) **2 keep makin chaptas n if u report me den ur a lozer, ill just make a new accont . **(The trolling will never stop!)** NEWAYZ FANX 2 DA PPL HU GAVE ME GOOD REVEIWS AGEN U GUYZ KEEP ME GOING. **(Well, you just said you were going to keep writing no matter what *rolls eyes* Attention whore much?) **PLZ ENJOY CHAPTA 5. **(I could never enjoy this...Luckily, I listen to music while commenting. Right now I'm listening to "Wasting the Dawn" by The 69 Eyes)**

CHAPTER 5

We didnt no whut 2 do wif all da blood from bobby brown **(What about drinking it?) **so every1 just drank it off da floor **(Just what I was saying) **. We had weding gamez n shit **(Haha, that was funny. How about some love games?)** and jacob left cuz he waz angri at us 4 some resason **(Gee, I have no idea why)**. We playd spin da bottle n GErard had 2 kiss ed. (a/n lol bi guyz r sooo hot ) **(If they're put in an oven, they'll surely be) **i waznt jelous cuz dey r both guyz **(AND because they're sooo hot)** . But Emetr was deprezzed becuz Gerord is his bf. **(Why did you play this game then? You knew that it could...Ah, why do I bother?) **We listened 2 Green day and he got cheered up.

I was gong 2 sleep dat nite when i got posesesd by Saten **(O.O)**. But it was ok cuz were friendz **(Whoa, so badass)** n he just doez dat sometimes as a joke **(Obviously. He's always in your heart)** . I asked him wat he wanted n he told me 2 kill Rosemarie.

"What y?" I new dat Ed would be angey if i killed his sister. "Becoz she is a blond prepp**ppppp**" sed satan suicidelly **(Huh, alliterations? Cool)**. So I went 2 der house in da dark n i knew wich was rosalyns room becuz da door was pink with pompomz hanging from it n a poster of Holary Duff. **(Satan: Kill Rosalie! Twila: Ok lol *goes to kill her*)**I broke down da door but inside waz... EDWIRD! **(Yay)**

"WTF IS GOING ON U ASSHOLE" i scremed "DIS IS UR ROOM?" "NO LET ME FUKKING EXPLAN" he began to cry. **(Poor boy) **Den i saw... ROSA WAS ON TOP OF HIM! **(On top of all that...)**

"EW WTF U BUSTARD **(MUSTARD) **DATS UR SISTER!1" i exploded. I transofmed n began to tear da room apart n ripped all da preppy posters down **(Well you would've done that anyway)** . I jumped at Rosalien **(That's only 1 letter away from her real name! That's progress!) **n bit her neck nd she started having a sezure . Then she ran around nd died. **(*mwahaha* Not my Eddie, you bitch)** Ed kept crying. **(just cry, baby, cry...)**

"Dis is disgusting" i said wif disgust**, disgustedly** . "I cant beleve it, u nd Rose." "Just listen ok" he pleased. "I culdnt c in da dark, I thought she was you." **(Tooootally)**

"Yea rite like I beleve dat. **(Wow, that's a hint of intelligence we got here) **We're getting a devorce!" **(You don't care about being divorced at the age of 16? *Le Gasp*) **I waz so pissed. But den Edward got on his knes n sang "If u mary me, will u bury me, will u carry me 2 da end?" Nd I remembad da promise we had mad ova dat song when we got marred. We sed we wuld alwayz b der 4 each odder. **(No, no, no...don't tell me...)**

"Ok fine dis is ur last chance bittch ." **(Argh! Why, just why?) **I ran out of da room nd saw Carlose in da hall. "Hey babez" he laffed. "Im so much betta dan edward, y dont u come upsters wif me ?" But I just ran away sadly becuz every1 wanted sumfing from me. **(That's the downside of being a Mary Sue, darling)**

The next day was a bad tim **(Is that Tim Scam from Totally Spies? Gaaah, I love the guy, he's a badass villain)** becuz it was akward betwn me nd Ed . Nd plus Midnite was in da hospital from slitting her rists, becuz Jazper had called her a slutt . He waz getting realli moody all da time nd he acted jelous around me nd Ed all da time. **(Right, everyone envies the perfect pair)** I asked him abot it in skewl

"Hey y da fukk did u mak my sister slit her rists ." I roared. He sighed wif deprezzion nd sed "Im just not in luv wif her anymore, after u killed alic I saw ur true strength." "What r u saying?" **(*sigh*)** I dint undestand. "Im saying dat i would rather b with u dan her. **(OMG she has so much strength! I'm like totally in love with her) **So I was hopping dat she wuld kill herself nd we wuld b devorced." **(Well, you'd be widowed, not divorced. Also, this is sick)**

"Omg i wuld neva b wif u in a million years, ur a terrible person ..." i sed wif tears of blood pooping **(Bad mental image) **down my pale face. I waz wearing violet fishnetz wif safety pins in dem and a red corset wif a blakk vest over it n a pentagram n lots of safety pins nd tight blakk jeanz. **(I just kinda skipped over this part) **Mikael, Jabob, Bella, n Jessa **(You remembered there are other characters in Twilight? Wow) **all gatered around us. Jasp waz so embarassed. A lot of da teachers came over n stared at me.

"Twila plz report 2 da principles office ." The teachers sed strangly. So i followed dem nd da princple was der and he sed to me "Im sorri but we r going 2 hav 2 tranfer u to a diff skewl."

"OMFG NO." sed loudly. "I CANT DIS IS WER EDWARD GOZ 2 SCHOL ." "Yes," they admited uncomfortly. "But ur causing a realli bad diserbance in da school. U c der is somthing... odd abot u. **(And Edward and everyone else are really normal, right?) **Nd no1 feelz comfortble wif u here **(I thought everyone loved her. Hmpf, the "principle" must be a blond prep) **so u hav 2 go 2 dat other school in Waschington, calld Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy. **(=)) That was epic, I give her that) **"

I culdnt beleve it. I waz nevr gong 2 see ed agen if i went dere **(Jeez, you heard of the Internet? Webcams, email, messenger, Facebook?) **. I jumpd out da window n ran home n took out a nife and cut miself. **(The end) **Der waz blood all ova da floor nd i fell down and started 2 die. **(But you're a vampire and a Mary Sue and will live forever)**

XXXXX 2 BE CONTINUED XXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPER 5XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **(Two zippers!)**

OK GUYZ SORRI FOR DA CLIPHANGER **(That's the least thing you should feel sorry for)**. I WILL UPDATE SOON **(Unfortunately)**. REVIEWS THANX **(This commentary will do instead)**


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: ok u noe wat prepz? **(Wat?) **im gong 2 rite mi stori betta **(Pfft, lies) **so u guyz kan stup complaning abot chatzpeek. SO NOW U WILL HAV NOTHING 2 FLAMM ABOT HA HA. nd btw stopp tellin me 2 use spellchek, becuz im using notpad nd it dosnt have it ok! **(What, no love for good old Microsoft Word? And there're online spellcheckers as well...But obviously you only use the internetz for fanfics and sexah pics of Sparkly Boy) **midnite fanx for da good reveiws **(How long did you torture her to make her do that?)**, n every1 else hu gav me good reveiws, u guyz rokk! TATA GLIESBIE I LUV U! **(Everyone loves the bond between mentor and pupil.../end sarcasm) **PREPZ STUP FLAMMING!1 GOTHZ ROCK 666**123999314 lol**

CHAPTER 6

XXX CONTINUD FROM DA LAST CHAPTER XXX **(Thanks for illuminating me)**

When I woke up Deward was over me. "Twilla. TWILA!" **(...where art thou, Twila?) **he screwed into my ear. **(Sounds like some kinky porn)** "Youre going to be ok." **(Unlike the readers...)**

My long strait hair was all around me, I was laying on the flor. I was wearing a black spagitti strap shirt **(How on earth does that look like?)**with a matching sweatshirt over it nd a blak jean skirt with MCR pins on it. **(I'm getting a Depeche Mode pencil box. What? Isn't it time for mentioning band stuff?) **I had on ripped fishnets and blak highheels that had spikes coming out of them. **(I think she looks like a Shinigami from Death Note) **There were bandagez all over my arms and body were I cut myself. You could c the blood coming thru.

"Just fukk off ok?" I said with a sad smile **(Smiling while saying fuck off? How did she pull that off?) **and I storted to cry. He tried 2 comfort me. He had his bronz hair in spikes with purple steaks **(Better not let that uncooked steak in your hair, Eddie boy, it will rot in time) **in it and he had on white fondation on his sexah face. **(i fail to see how Edward is "sexah", but whatever) **There were tears raining down from his topaz eyes. "No plese tell me y you did this." He shooted.

"I dont want to effing talk abot it ok can you just bakk the fuk off!" I was so depressed. I got up off the floor and tried 2 run out the door but Edward stopped me. "WAIT!" he whimspered. **(whismpperjhtrhtrtred)**"There is some1 waiting for you out there, itz not safe." His voice got all low and hott **(Now that is something I like.) **like a male version of Amy Lee in the begining of Goin Under.

"But I really need too talk to you." **(I thought you needed him to fuck off) **I begged pleasingly. "Lissen, I cant stay in dis school anymore."

"WE CAN TALK LATER, WATCH OUT, SHEZ ABOUT TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!" Suddenly I turned around and the door smashed down. It was .. ... BUFFI THE VAMPIR SLAYER! (a/n fanx for da sugestion! 666 XXX **Delta Delta Delta &&& /**)

"Ahahaha, dont even bother," she said meanly. "You cant escape from me Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz Sad'ness Cullen." **(Wel, this is her own screwed-up fanfic, so I'm sorry to disappoint you, but she will escape)**

But I was to angry to even c her.**(DAFUQ? There's a killer at the door and all you care about is going all lovey-dovey on Eddie?)** "You now what Edword, u never pay attencion to me. **(Correction: he always pays attention to you) **Why dont you just go to Emett, so you guys can screw? Becuz you obviously dont care abot me." "NO PLEASE" he got down on his knees with dark tearz of sorrow. **(This sounds like it belongs in a goth song) **"Give me another chance" **(How about Community Chest?)**

"Do you remebr what I said that nite." He lookd at me all confused and sad, and Buffie started 2 take out her sword. **(I thought you didn't even see her) **"I SED ONE MORE CHANCE AND I MEANT IT NOW YOU CAN JUST GET THE FUKK OUT OF MI LIFE BECAUSE YOU ONLY HURT ME." **(Back off, this guy's serious. HE USED CAPS LOCK!)**

I took off da pentargram he had gotten me nd just before I was about to throw it out the window he ran over and hugged me and startd 2 sing "Cruxifiction in Space" by Marlin Manson. **(Well, someone's definitely bipolar in here...And it's not a magnet) **Dat song was so touching and I had to forgiv him. **(*epic headdesk*)**

"Excus me were were we?" laughed Buffie da Vampir Slayer looking at us. "Look if u dont get out of here, **("If"? So she gives you a chance? What a forgiving killer)** i am gong to post dese pictures of u screwing Angell **(Reminds me of Jessica Angell from CSI New York. I liked her...) **on the internet!" I shooted. She got scared becaus she didnt want 2 end up like that prep Pares Hilton. **(Prep or not, screwing is still screwing)**

A lot of other stuff happened **(=)) Oh boy. I love how you can use an entire paragraph to describe your outfit but when you run out of ideas, you just use the generic word "stuff") **nd then Edword went home, we were still marred. But I didnt get 2 talk 2 him abot transferring. I went home n listened to Panic At Da Disko **(I listened to Evanescence) **and put on a blak nitegown nd put my hare **(Poor rabbit! Don't torture animals) **up in a blakk skull clip. I went 2 take a bathe but when I went to da tub I saw. ... Edard! **(Mm, showering together? Told you he was into some kinky stuff)**

"How did u get in here?" I asked shockly with anger. **(Via the door) **"I transported n, I have telekinisis." (a/n LIKE VOLXEMORT FROM MY IMMORTAL LOL.) **(As said before, nothing sweeter than a mentor-pupil relationship...)**

So we took off our cloths nd you guyz can guess what we did **(TOLD YOU!) **(yea u pervs get ur mindz out of the glutter.) The next morning I woke up and I COULDNT BELEVE IT. **(What could it be? Gerard Way? Edward in a sexah outfit? Stephenie Meyer in shock at reading this fanfic? Ville Valo? Oh wait, that's what _I _would love to see, hehe...)**

"OMFG ED WAKE UP RITE NOW." I scremed. He drove over 2 my house **(Uh, but wasn't he right there? Mindblowing) **to see what waz wrong. "IM PREGGANT." **(In just one day you realised you were pregnant? Daaamn) **I was crying. I started 2 kut my rists over the bandages with a razor. Just then da fone rang, it was the principal saying "Twola, ur going to be late for ur first day at Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy." **(Oh, what a caring principal, isn't he?)**

"THATZ IT THIS COULDNT BE ANY WORSE." **(My words exactly as I'm reading this fanfic. Well except for the grammar mistakes) **I flew in2 my bed and kept crying nd my pillow turned red nd black with makup and blood.

"YOURE GOING 2 MOUNT SAINT PREPZ ACADAMY?" EDWARD YELLED. "I WAS TRYING TO TELL U THAT LAST NIGHT YOU IDIOTIC AIDS!" **(You...idiotic...what? Uhm, is this some sort of reading between the lines? Nah, just a slice of epic fail)**

I culdnt take it, my life was absolutely terrible and I had nofing left to live for. **(Drama queen. Okay, sorry for that, I've been through that phase myself and I know how horrible it feels. But this is a parody, so take it easy) **Edword tried 2 calm down and hug me **(I wouldn't think I'd get to say that, but Eddie acts...normal) **but I punched him away.

"Please itll be ok." He pormised. But I didnt believe it. I just wanted 2 watch Da Ring nd overdosse with aspirin **(Why would anyone want to take too much aspirin?) **and pot. I storted to sing How Could This Happen 2 Me by smipple plan. **(I start to sing "Wings of a Butterfly" by HIM. "Come on and show them your loooove!") **Ed weeped and weeped **(and weeped and weeped...ad infinitum) **(a/n if u dont luv sensiteve guyz den fukk off!) **(I like sensitive guys, so I can't fuck off, right? Hey, I don't discriminate, I like strong guys as well!)** nd I fell asleep having nitemares abot prepz and babiez. **(I had nightmares with babies too. Bleah. I can't stand little kids)**

XXXXXXXXXXX END CHAPTER 5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

lol I BET U DINT EXPECT DAT **(Yes, dear, you always manage to surprise me in a sick twisted way...*sigh*) **WELL U WILL HAVE 2 WATE ND C WAT HAPPENZ. **(Awesome.)**


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